The Guilt

I have a feeling that you think I am going to reveal some big scandal based on the title. So, if that's what you're looking for I am going to save you some time and let you  know that I have no scandal to reveal. I try to be cautious about the things I put out on the internet because a lot of people air waaaay too much personal business and I try to stay away from such things (plus, I'm sincerely too boring for a scandal). To each his own, I suppose. But I am going to be a little more personal than I typically am on my blog, so here's a little window to my world if you're still reading after I told you that I had no scandal to report.

I have been up since 6:30 this morning after I sprung (sprang?) out of bed because I lectured an 8:00 a.m. class this morning. I showered and washed and dried my hair last night because I knew there was no way I was getting up at 6:00 to do it this morning (if you have long hair, you know what I mean). I was excited to teach because we were going to cover climate change and I think it's a fun topic to discuss despite how much anxiety it gives me because it's controversial and I always imagine  a rather argumentative student getting up mid lecture and throwing their book and yelling "You stupid liberal hippie!" and storming out to go tell the dean I should be fired. I mean, I teach in West Texas, so I can't completely rule the scenario out. But anyway, my point is that I've been up since early this morning and I went to bed rather late after wrapping up my lecture that I had to submit this morning. I've turned in my assignments this week, and it seems like this entire semester I have had a deadline every other day. I am taking 12 hours this semester (9 is the norm) and I have a TA assignment which I really enjoy, but it can be quite time consuming as I attend class and I do all of the grading (and lecture from time to time).

So the guilt. I feel very guilty that I am writing my blog right now. I have 2 hours until class and I need to do a little reading before then, but I'm okay on time. Today I lectured, turned in a 15 pg term paper (found out I got a 100% on my presentation of that term paper), turned in a research proposal, and turned in class discussion questions. I felt guilty that I blogged yesterday during a spout of writers block (for school) and I could have been I don't know doing something else for school. Pretty much any time that I do anything outside of school I feel a certain level of guilt. Especially if it is fun.

I feel guilty if I work on Sundays. I've blogged about it before. I feel like if God creates an entire commandment about something, He obviously thinks it's important so I should follow His rules. I really try not to work on Sundays, but from time to time I do because I have a looming deadline. And I feel guilty every time. Last Sunday, I worked for about 5 hours. Then I went to a movie with friends (Jack and the Giant Killer, 3D- IMAX if you're curious). I love going with Siva to American experiences (they have movies in India) and the IMAX was new for him. I also just really enjoy spending time with him because he is a really cool guy and a great friend. I felt really guilty going to the movie (no, there's no scandal, Matt knew all about it). I felt guilty that I wasn't working on a project for school. I felt guilty for having fun.

I feel guilty for going to school at all. I have done 2 three-week stints in Lubbock this semester. I hate it, not because I hate Lubbock, but because I want to go home. To my home (although I am unbelievably blessed with the roommate situation I have here in Lubbock). I want to spend every evening with my husband. I want to hang out with my dog. I want to sleep in my bed.  I want to cook regularly in my kitchen. Because of the pursuit of my career dreams, I am spending much of my newlywed years away from home. Now, if this were a problem in my marriage, I surely would not be blogging about it. I am soooo blessed with a husband who values my dreams as I do. Before we moved to Oklahoma we had a big long talk about how we were going to make the travel work. We see the end goal, and thank goodness, the end is right around the corner. But I still feel guilty because I'm so determined about the accomplishments I am going to achieve. I'm also hard headed and don't ever quit anything. If I did quit I would feel guilty. I would never be able to look at my parents and tell them that the woman they raised me to be quit just before the finish line. They have big dreams for my future and I could never let them down.

So as you can see, I'm going through a struggle and I'm fairly certain that this is a season of life.  It's just strange that I literally spend 90% of my day focused on goals and meeting deadlines, and trying to be thoughtful and a good wife, daughter, sister, and friend. Somehow I still feel pretty guilty because no matter my action I feel like I'm letting someone or something down.

I've also thought that maybe I just need to get off of my own back. Maybe I can spend 30 minutes writing a blog post, and perhaps sharing what I have learned will have a greater impact than any term paper that I could write. Maybe my inputs are all wrong. When I get especially stressed, I listen to "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North and that typically helps. I really don't have a take home message.  Maybe if you're going through what I'm going through we should just both chill out because we're going to spend the best part of our twenties growing wrinkles instead of memories.

Posted in: being married,Ph.D.ing,Reflections