I have a lot of things I need to do today. I have learned that when a blog topic strikes you, you really just have to go for it or you'll forget all about it and find yourself saying things like "I wish I blogged more but..."
I have a crazy to do list thanks to that 4 day weekend where I turned everything "off" (totally worth it). I was in my office going through the list and I don't know why but I got up to get something. I walked past the kitchen and I see Pistol in the floor eating some slab of meat or something. WHAT IS THAT? WHERE DID HE GET IT?? IS HE GOING TO TRY TO GROWL AT ME IF I TAKE IT AWAY??
Upon closer inspection, his arm was bleeding and he was licking it. My heart stopped. I went to pick him up and check him out and I couldn't figure out the source or cause. I called Matt and told him I was going to take him to the vet. Matt asked me if he would let me touch it and if I could tell what happened. Pistol wasn't acting funny or resistant to let me hold him so I decided to see if I could clean him up myself. With my brand new running clothes on I put him and myself in the bath to gently rinse him off. He didn't show any signs of hurt and patiently let me clean him off. Then I dried him off and checked him out and he wasn't bleeding any more. I took him off the counter and he immediately proceeds to play what we call "crazy dog" where he runs around like a maniac after he has gotten wet. I think he is fine. To just be sure I am keeping him with my in my office to keep an eye on him.
He is so dramatic. He acts like he is in puppy jail.
What struck me in this situation was my immediate instinct to react. I dropped everything. I didn't care about my clothes (that much). I was ready to jump in the car and I was trying to think of where my nearest shoes were. I figured the vet bill was going to be a little out of control, but I didn't care. For me, Pistol is my kid. No I am not comparing having children to having a dog, I know it is different. However, our approach to dog parenting Pistol is a smaller version of how I believe we will parent our actual kids.
When Lisa (Matt's mom) wanted to buy Matt a puppy for Christmas, I was really apprehensive. We were going to get married about 6 months later and I knew how much responsibility a dog was going to be. I also knew that we intended to travel frequently and that would add another dimension to that travel that I wasn't sure I really wanted to deal with. After a lot of discussion, I finally gave my blessing. We went to pick him out after a three hour drive to Talahina Oklahoma and knew which one was going to be ours.
When I was growing up we really didn't treat our pets as family members, we treated them as pets. Pistol is a whole different animal for me (pun intended). I play with Pistol every single day. I genuinely believe the 2 minutes every morning that we cuddle is going to add years to my life.
His mannerisms are hilarious to me. I genuinely care about his happiness. I also care about his behavior and address misbehavior immediately so he will learn. He does things all the time that make me think about parenthood. He wakes up in the middle of the night for no reason and barks like crazy. He eats things he shouldn't and has cost us over a thousand dollars in vet bills and xrays. He can no longer have toys that have stuffing. I personally test the durability of toys before I am willing to purchase them. Weak stitching? No thanks.
We even include him in holiday celebrations--including his birthday.
So by now I hope I have convinced you that for me, Pistol is my kid. I love him so much and I think he has in many ways helped ease me into the idea of having kids.
The thought of having kids as a very abstract concept sounds like tons of fun.
I cannot tell you how much I could love this little human. Obviously these are pictures of Matt as a little guy but they melt my heart. I want my kid to look exactly the same and also be hilarious. Matt is already really funny with so many of his mannerisms that I can only imagine how much fun a little version of him would be. Look at this kid!
I also have to say that social media really doesn't help the situation either. It seems like the range of posts from parents (typically) goes from too wonderful to be reality to too awful to consider. So many people seem to find value in a daily post of how little sleep they got the night before. It doesn't sound very nice, but there's a lot of people who post things that make it look like being a parent isn't something they asked for. I know that people need an outlet for their stress and want to be heard and I get that and try to consider it when I go through my newsfeed. I resent the notion that I don't "get" that parenting is hard because I'm not a parent. Actually, I totally get it, which is why I have chosen to delay the joy of having an adorable little Matt running around here. I personally am not ready for the responsibility. I give parents so much credit. I wish we had more of a sense of community so people could feel like if they were overwhelmed they could reach out and ask me to take their kid of a few hours while they do what they need to do. I would LOVE it! I love kids!
And to stay on the social media topic, there's a few things we need to talk about from the perspective of an outsider looking in.
First- Moms- you need to get off your own back. I don't think anyone is criticizing you as much as you criticize yourself. From my perspective about 90% of the moms I know out there are genuinely doing their best. Who is anyone to ask you for more than your best? If you truly love your kids, then everything else is details.
Second- Quit shaming each other for personal decisions. Stay at home mom? If you have the resources to do that and are happy in that setting, then cool. Good for you! Do what makes you happy. If you want to work and get fulfillment out of working and feel like the quality time you spend with your kids when you get home is what you need to be a good parent, then good for you too. Also, if you need to work to supplement your family's income so you can provide your kids with what they need, I don't think you should even begin to offer an apology and should tell anyone who has comments about that to kiss it. I recently had a conversation with a woman whom I deeply respect as a professional. I honestly have no clue how she gets everything done and she has a small child. It blows my mind. I have tried to mentally calculate how many minutes are in her day to make it all work and I still haven't figured it out. She told me about people making comments on having a nanny for 20 hours a week. WHAT? How dare someone say something to a person who has accomplished leaps and bounds more than the majority of us could ever hope to. I mean, the audacity of some people. I was also told once that once you have kids it's just easier to be friends that either do or don't breast feed because the pressure from the opposing group is just too much. Now I need to separate my friends on how I feed my baby? A circumstance that nature may or may not give me an option? You're kidding. This is a thing? This isn't going to go over well. I could lose my mind having this conversation even in a hypothetical sense.
Third- I have held the opinion for a long time that the worst thing I think you can tell someone is how to parent their child. We bring a whole heap of individual experiences to the table when we apply our parenting method. There are a lot of academic debates out there on the best approach to parenting. However, when I am making decisions about my child I wont be consulting academic journals. I will be consulting exactly one person and that person will be my husband. I genuinely will not care about what anyone else thinks and if I want advice, I am humble enough to ask for it. I could see myself getting downright hostile to someone telling me how to care for the single most important individual on this planet to me. This also applies to social media. If you want to have conversations in your living room about approaches to parenting which includes interactive discourse, then that's an appropriate setting. Blasting your worthless opinions on Facebook or other social media is just that, worthless. Now to be fair, I do take some opinions on my blog. However, people self select to read my blog (and geez this thing can get long sometimes) and aren't subject to my opinions on real issues as a bystander of the newsfeed. I never intend to give parenting rules on my blog even after I have kids because my parenting approaches will be unique to me. I will only ever know how to do the best I can for my situation.
Essentially, I'm still not ready to have kids. I really just want to hang out with Matt and Pistol for a while now that I am finally home. I am happy to be able to do just about whatever I want at the drop of a hat if I am willing to work late hours to catch up on what I put aside. I want to just "be" for a while and work on improving myself before I need to put my own needs aside for someone else's. Maybe when I have kids I'll just need to get off social media all together so I wont be irritated all the time. Parenting is rough and takes so much giving and I know that because I know some truly wonderful parents. Many of which probably feel really insecure about parenting because there's a lot of pressure and everyone seems to think they merit an opinion.
My friend Amanda has a blog where she shares her parenting adventures in an honest setting contributing to her goal of an initiative she is pursuing: "“You’re Not Alone” is a campaign I’d like to start to increase sense of community and demolish the isolation that comes with feeling you are the only one going through something…I can assure you, you’re not the only one."
These are the sorts of approaches parents need to take. They need to build each other up rather than cut them down. We are responsible as a collective group to produce a generation better than the last and we should invest in our children the best way we can, and still find value and joy in our own lives while we're at it.
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1 comments:
If you’re worried about parenting, you are (or will be) a good parent. It’s the ones that aren’t worried that you have to be concerned about. :)
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