My Great Idea

At my job I have this thing called a Flexible Spending Account that my job pays for in place of insurance 'cause I'm still riding on the let-my-parents-pay-my-health-insurance-premium-until-May 21st- when- they-violently-give-me-the-boot-into-not-their-problem-land train. It's awesome. No more co-pays here! Which is great because I discovered at the doctor's office that I could just have them send the bill to my parents for my co-pays. Well after about $80 in co-pays sent to my parents, I still haven't heard the end of the yelling as to "Why didn't I just pay it then at $20 a pop?" Why? Cause I thought I could get away with it. That's why.

So I had this great idea. I still had well over $1000 on my FSA and if you don't use it, you lose it. I started searching my brain for ideas of how to spend said money. You can't spend it on anything cosmetic or else I'd have the whitest teeth, the brownest skin, and maybe some lipo. I came up with a great idea. GLASSES! I'll get SUN GLASSES! Throw a little prescription on there, just a tiny one because my vision is perfect and bada bing boda boom, I've got some designer shades FO FREE. Pure genius right? I could just hear MENSA calling...

So here's what happened:

I went into 'ol Zoellner. They have like 57 employees working at one time and about 1000 patients circling through. That should have been my first clue to read the fine print. They've got a business going here. Well on the form it says "For an additional $15 we can do a dilation test on your eyes and we recommend it at least once every 2 years" (I don't know why I used quotations, because that wasn't a direct quote. A paraphrase if you will). So I think, what the hey, I'm not paying for it, throw in a dilation. What are they gonna do? Just have a bright flash at my eye ball, like when you take a picture? Sure, let's do the dilation. So I got through the whole puff of air in your eye, check my peripherals, sit in a dark room. Now she's gonna put some drops in my eyes for dilating. First the numbing drops. What the heck are you using numbing drops for? It's just a bright light?!?!? Whatever, numb away. Now for the real dilation. You're putting more drops in my eyes? Is this going to hurt? No it's not going to hurt, but here's some sexy paper sun glasses for you to wear out of here 'cause the sun will hurt your eyes for a few hours after this.

In go the drops, and now my eyes are "dilated". Slowly, slowly, my vision is going!!!!!! I'm GOING BLIND!! I'm getting text messages!! What do they say?!?!?! Oh the cruelty. Why do people pay for this!????! NURSE! This is perfectly normal? I can drive home? How am I going to pick out sunglasses if I can only see a blurry blob of myself. I. am. so. sad.

So the doctor comes in. Are they really doctors? I didn't wanna ask... but I'm still not sure. He puts that goofy machine in front of me. 1 or 2? 2 or 1? Better or worse? over and over. He stops. Do you get headaches a lot? Eh... well sometimes at work. I'm in front of a computer all day and I read a lot. Well that explains it, you're extremely far sighted. I don't get it. It means that your eyes are having to strain to keep the computer and books and anything close to you in focus. All of that strain causes headaches. What? I don't need glasses. I'm perfect! My vision is perfect. He says, well you're still perfect, just in other ways.... Thanks. I say, can I still get sunglasses? He says sure you can, we're gonna throw a prescription on them. Good, that's all I came in for. Okay, now go pick out your frames. I couldn't pick out my frames because I couldn't FREAKIN SEE!!! So they give me contacts. It took me 1 hour. 1 entire hour to put those things in. THEN they told me I had to take one out to prove I could. Their running a torture chamber around there! Okay, finally got em in. I still can't see much. But they're in, they're staying in. Let's pick out some glasses.

And folks, the reveal:

Jimmy Choo. Perhaps the only thing I'll ever own that this designer makes. I look like a teacher. I'm still not used to them, I'll probably forget to use them most of the time.

Valentino. I asked, like the guy who makes Oprah's dresses? Yep. I'll take em. I really do like them, but they're AWFUL for driving. So I guess if I'm sittin outside reading a book these will be the glasses to wear. Moral of the story, I'm getting the prescription reduced. And I think the tinting is too light.

At the end of the day I intended to walk out with a pair of cool new sunglasses. I came out with 2 pairs of glasses and a set of contacts. I still haven't been brave enough to put the contacts in. Maybe next week. I'll have to prep myself for it.

Posted in: Funny Stories